Break Through Your Threshold: Gratitude & Giving
By Jai Maa
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” my kindergarten teacher asked.
“A firefighter!” said one child.
“I want to be a doctor!” said another.
“I want a boyfriend!” I said.
“No,” the teacher said, “What do you want to be?”
I blankly stared at the emptiness of her question. All I wanted was to hold a boy’s hand, kiss his cheek, and laugh with him happily ever after. I didn’t care about a boring job. I wanted to be in love.
Thirty years later, I have yet to accomplish my childhood goal of happily ever after. Furthermore, I have noticed the only men I feel attracted to seem to mirror all of my own issues.
I recently became enchanted by a man who seemed like a great match for me. His behavior indicated he was attracted to me, so we opened up a conversation about what we wanted. Holding hands and warm eye contact, we discussed building a partnership with each other. My heart fluttered with excitement.
Like the credits scrolling too quickly after a kid’s princess movie, my fairy tale came to a screeching halt.
“I don’t like PDA (public displays of affection), I don’t have much time and would like to meet when we’re “in the flow,” and I want an open relationship… though you will be my primary partner of intimacy,” he said.
I felt like I had been slapped. I told him that I wanted a committed, monogamous relationship, so we agreed to continue building our friendship with the potentiality to grow into a partnership.
For weeks I walked around with a heavy heart. I leaked a tremendous amount of energy daydreaming about him and feeling hopeful when he gave me crumbs of attention. My self-esteem began to erode, and I found myself struggling financially as a result. I was miserable.
Little by little, I began to see myself clearly. This man was holding a mirror of my “sell out points” in my last relationship…
Years ago, I settled for a man who never introduced me to anyone in his life (no PDA), would only see me on the off weekends he didn’t have his kids (no time for me unless it was “in the flow” for him), and he dropped me when my career took off and I was no longer a convenience for him (never committed to me).
Here I was living the same nightmare-attraction all over again! I took a step back, said “No thank you,” and found the grace to move on.
My joyful energy immediately returned, and I felt attractive again. New opportunities of abundance came flooding in, and I was back on my A-game! My desire for having the relationship I wanted outgrew my desire to be with this particular man. I was attracted to an opportunity to deepen self-love, and I am more relationship-ready as a result.
Enlightenment Challenge: Are you attached to a person more than committed to the relationship you deserve? Examine your past and current relationships, and write a list of your “sell out points.” Are you repeating old patterns that prevent you from experiencing the intimacy you want? What relationships do you need to release? Reevaluate? Renegotiate?
Contact Jai Maa at BreakThroughYourThreshold.