Apropos of Nothing: The Power of Tesla by Jamie Beckett

Apropos of Nothing: The Power of Tesla
An Editorial by Jamie Beckett

In December 2017, Tesla, the visionary techno-awesome company with the coolest cars, the most radical semi trucks, and the roofing system that pays your electric bill for you, installed the largest battery in the world way down under in Australia. How big, you say? One-hundred megawatts big. That’s enough power to keep the lights on in 30,000 homes all at the same time.

Wow. The world just got weirder than we ever thought possible.

There was a time when batteries were practically an afterthought, only used to start your car or power a transistor radio. Now, batteries are the size of small industrial park and are so efficient they can run your car and power your whole house, including the television, toaster, and teapot. Can you believe it? We’re just a hop, skip, and a jump from the day when you will have to scour the language of your next mortgage to see if batteries are included, or if they’re sold separately.

Of course as every primary school student knows, electricity belongs to the Edison Group, a multinational conglomerate based in the Cayman Islands, but founded by the great and powerful Thomas Edison. You’ll recall it was Edison who personally invented electricity back in 1872 using a soft cotton cloth, a hunk of clean burning coal, and a liberal dose of ego.

A hard worker renowned for his ability to take short but thoroughly satisfying naps even while continuing with his most dangerous experiments, Edison successfully invented a extensive line of pricey, must-have electrical products for the home well in advance of the 1873 Christmas shopping season.

Simultaneously, Tom’s younger brother Alva, a visionary in his own right, invented the revolving credit account. Together, they blazed a trail that today allows 98.2 percent of Americans to achieve their dream of being deeply settled into a debilitating pool of debt well before they actually receive their first paycheck.

Today, Tesla leases electricity from the Edison Group in the form of free electrons. Attractively priced at only nine cents a bushel, these electrons are light, compact, and easily stuffed into transmission lines by a highly trained cadre of very small elderly women who have the exacting hand size and finger dexterity to get the job done. Tesla then sells those electrons back to the public as an electrical charge that appears to come from the car they sold you, or the shingles on your house, or some magical box affixed the the side of your home behind the trash cans, or something. It’s very technical stuff that’s really hard to explain.

Just pay the bill and nobody gets hurt, okay.

If that was all there was to it, everything would be fine. But rumors are swirling that Apple is joining forces with Amazon to produce an entirely new form of electricity derived from a completely unique process. This new form of power, which insiders suggest may be called either iVolt or Kandle (both names are currently undergoing testing with marketing focus groups) will be delivered to your home by telepathic means. That’s a huge improvement over our current system as it would render transmission wires and transformer boxes obsolete.

Admittedly, there have been concerns that homes with aluminum siding or other conductive materials attached to their outer shell may burst into flame from time to time. That’s just the price of progress, I guess. There are always some glitches to work out with any new technology. I’m sure it will all work out in the end. Plus, my house is built of concrete block. I can have the gutters removed in no time. Hey, do you smell smoke?